The Meeting: A Social Ritual

by Randy Ai

[1] In life, it is a common occurrence for two people to schedule a time and place to meet. This is a common social ritual, and one practiced throughout the world.

[2] Earlier on in life, when we were school children, such meetings were more spontaneous. The conveniences afforded by proximity and the luxury of a free schedule made such meetings possible without much effort. Children meet and play together without ever having to trade email correspondences, engage in lengthy text-messaging, or even dialing the other’s telephone number.

[3] As we grow older, the nature of such meetings changes. As our busy schedules and family commitments become more central to our lives, the very act of meeting with a friend, a colleague or an acquaintance, becomes a ritualized practice, involving planning and scheduling, and sometimes requiring that either or both party travel great distances for the meeting to be consummated. Gone are the days of spontaneity.

[4] However, one inescapable element of this ritual is that the meeting may not work out. Despite the best planning, there is always a possibility that one or both parties may not show. Furthermore, there is a possibility that one or both parties may show, but may not find each other.

[5] Actually, the possibility that the meeting will not be consummated is an intrinsic element of the meeting itself. The very fact that two people are scheduling to meet at a certain time and certain place, carries the risk of failure.

[6] This is often a disappointing experience. However, one must realize that the disappointment is really a reflection of how much the parties value the meeting. If the meeting is not valued, there is no disappointment.

[7] The disappointment experienced when two parties fail to meet also acts as an incentive for reflection: one is inclined to realize at this point how precious a successful meeting between two people truly is. This may inspire the individual to appreciate times when both parties do show.

[8] A more controversial approach may be the adoption of a new attitude towards the social ritual of meetings. For example, when scheduling a meeting, you may not actually expect the other person to show. Simultaneously, you may not even expect yourself to show. Adopting this attitude may make the ritual more fluid, and less narrow in its definition.

[9] Finally, one should remember: anything that has the potential to build rapport, also has the potential to erode rapport – that is the nature of the world

A Cry From Africa

Notes: This poem was written for Kylie Wilson, a person I met while having dinner with David Caplan, the current Health Minister of Ontario. I was especially inspired by her tales of exotic travel to Africa. The style of this poem is what I call “synthesis poetry” – the construction of poetic content through the deliberate incorporation of various allusions in order to create a montage.

A Cry From Africa

by Randy Ai

Riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay
To which this Tanzania, hot and lucid, serves as reminder, say:
Young Kylie, batten upon the bloodstreams of the veldt
A fierce body against the tyranny, moist and felt
Leads her to an overwhelming question: What is Africa to Me?

Copper sun or scarlet sea, jungle star or jungle tree
In the heart of darkness, she finds roots of relish sweet.
Her land – a strong bronzed man in regal black and clay
A glorious lover, who will burst to illumine this day
His heart was going like mad and yes she said yes I will Yes.

© Randy Ai, 2008

Emotional Compensation

[10] Many of our human reactions do not have reason onto themselves. Instead they are emotional compensation for something else – most likely a deep-seeded hurt from the past, a knot in our life-script that is unresolved.

[9] The fear of being hurt is worse than the hurt itself; our memories of hurt give us the impetus to dodge the experience of repetition; this hurt is deeply imbedded in our minds – the past experiences of our lives, leaving scars in the dark corners of the subconscious.

The people who hurt us, the events that scared us, the places that frightened us… without resolution, their essence lives on beneath the surface of our existence.

[8] Soon the slightest of cues bring out the greatest of fears. Slights, smells, colours, people – the signals of the external world trigger a spark within: we are reminded of the past, a past that escapes our conscious mind, but that remains ever so powerful

We know at that moment that we are afraid, that we must run.

[7] As such, we hide, we avoid, we burst in rage – we do everything in our control to regain control

Control is the single most important commodity in the arsenal of human existence. Without control, we are nothing. Without control we fall into the abyss, and into chaos. It is control that brings about order. It is control that gives us the illusion that we can manipulate the external reality to our will.

[6] To regain this control we engage in the most basic of human reactions: emotional compensation

We attempt to compensate – so that our emotions can be re-set to equilibrium; we attempt to compensate so that for a brief moment, there can be resolution.

[5] This compensation takes on many forms:

We engage in hedonistic activities; we procrastinate; we sabotage our own enterprises – so to compensate for hurt and the fear of impending hurt.

We delay the engagement of an important task, leaving it to decay, so that we do not have to deal with our fears

We hide from people we must meet, eroding our relationships, so that we may avoid the pain of dealing with conflict

We drink ourselves to blindness, so that for an ephemeral moment, we forget the pain that we would rather bury from our minds

[4] We sublimate, and we displace – so that emotions can be set right; we do the opposite of what we rationally know we must do: for the right thing to do often puts us into a situation of lack of control – a situation of precariousness – a situation filled with the possibility of hurt – that brings back memories of which we wish to bury

[3] The experience of the human psyche is based, fundamentally, on a struggle between rationality and emotional compensation;

Reason tells us to do otherwise – to conquer our fears – to face that which we are afraid.

Our emotions pull in the opposite direction – not solving the fear, but instead compensating for the fear: through procrastination, avoidance, and hedonism

In the end, the fear is never resolved.

[2] This is the struggles that every person goes through.

This is the battle that defines a person.

[1] To win is to use reason. This is the only weapon.

© 2008

In Defense of Mock Trial

Notes: I wrote the following article for the Osgoode Hall Law School student newspaper as a response to a flurry of criticism to a controversial school performance. The performance, one of a number of skits featured in the annual "Mock Trial" cabaret, featured simulated fellatio, and a number of other sexual themes. School administration was swiftly contacted, and organizers of "Mock Trial" were chastised. The debate over the merits of the performance, and whether future censorship would be required, raged on for over three weeks.

In Defense of Mock Trial

by Randy Ai

I have a disability. It’s genetic, so there’s not too much I can do about it. My doctor tells me that my chromosome five is abnormally short, and as a result I don’t have a sense of humour.

Having this disability is usually fatal in most societies. I’ve heard reports that in some island cultures, children born with this disability are actually thrown off cliffs, to the mirthful approval of the community. I think they did this in ancient Sparta as well, although this is still a point of debate among contemporary academics. In other societies, those born with this disability find it impossibly difficult to mate with the opposite sex. As a result, they usually relegate themselves to living in caves. Surprisingly however, my disability has never been an obstacle for me in Canada – thanks primarily to our culture of ultra-political sensitivity.

I’ve recently discovered that my disability is actually an advantage in many circumstances. By not being able to laugh, I have the luxury of finding offensive just about anything. Any mention of sexuality? Obviously sexist. Allusion to ethnicity? Obviously Racist. Satirical suggestion? Most definitely discrimination. I also find that most people are afraid to disagree with me. Those who are not, I usually like to portray as colonial supremacists. This usually does a good job of shutting them up.

Being able to point out offensive material has now become second nature. It’s a knee-jerk reaction that doesn’t really require any higher cognitive function. I no longer ask myself why I am offended, I am merely comforted by the fact that I am. And besides, I find it’s a great way to get people into trouble, and also to set the bar so incredibly high that people around me are perpetually afraid of what to say. I like it when people respect my values. I call it a subtle form of coercion.

My latest pet peeve are school performances. I really think they just aren’t funny anymore. I’ve sat through enough skits to know what’s offensive. And guess what? I’m always right. Dare to challenge me?

Frankly, I don’t care what a speaker intends when he expresses something. Nor do I really care that a piece of expression can have multiple interpretations. All I know is the effect of the expression on me. In short, all I know is what I feel. And guess what? My feelings are unassailable. My feelings are never wrong. It is impossible for them to be. Does this mean I have personal insecurities I should work through? Does this mean that I’m hurt inside because of past events totally unrelated to the present incident? That’s for me to decide. But I’ll tell you what: my right to be offended is paramount. I deserve it after all – allow me to cite my historic disadvantage for your reference.

I also don’t see the point in opening up lines of dialogue with those who have offended me. It’s much easier just to tell on them. I guess this is something I learned from elementary school. If I can’t deal with an issue, I seek higher authorities to resolve the problem for me. It makes me less accountable. In truth, I’m not sure if I’m in it to change the opinions of those who I think are offensive. I’m more interested in my own emotional catharsis. It’s easier to complain than to explain.

At the end of the day, I wish for the same thing that everyone else wishes for. I want to live and study in an atmosphere of civility and mutual respect. The only difference is that I can’t laugh about it.

© Randy Ai, 2008

Friday Night at the Opera

Notes:

I wrote the following poem for an accountant at Deloitte, whom I met randomly outside the Four Seasons Opera House (the opera to be performed that night was a Canadian Opera Company production of “The Marriage of Figaro” by the Mozart).

Friday Night at the Opera

How the gods must be cruel
To cast a beautiful young lady into the night
Her body delicately dressed
Yet her pocket devoid of opera tickets

The misfortunes of chance and fate
Do conspire against her
Taunt her 70-hour work week
And foil her plans for the night

She is relegated to wandering the city
Her coat brushing against the wind
Maybe she will drink tonight
To forget or to remember

In the darkness she wonders
Whether Figaro’s marriage has commenced
As a life of balance sheets and statements
Awaits her in the morning

© 2008